Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.