If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
You Might Also Like
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Why is everyone getting married at me
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.