me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
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I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything