My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.