Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.