When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.