Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.