What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
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Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
mood
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.