mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The Book. The Movie.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”