Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
You Might Also Like
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I’m giving up for Lent.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*