“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Wednesday
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*