Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
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Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Never ghost your hitman.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”