seems like a niche market
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When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.