[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question