The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*