*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind