Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?