Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”