Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
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“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
dictator is short for richard potato
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.