Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Taking phone security to the next level.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now