It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
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Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.