A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
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So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
But is it really??
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
same bro
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.