Who wants to be my Valentine?
You Might Also Like
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.