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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.