I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”