Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
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Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
No time to explain get in the wood chipper