Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
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me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.