I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Welcome
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.