i hope this email finds you fast and furious
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.