learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Was it something I said?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
dutch so unserious
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!