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I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted