[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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hi why am I like this
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Sign at work today
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael