You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.