they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
2022: I can fix it
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.