POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee