French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.