@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
You Might Also Like
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Canada has crack?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”