There are usually two types of merchants.
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me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”