INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…