Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
dutch is not a serious language
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick