Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Schrödinger’s cookie
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.