My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.