yes, those are my real potatoes.
You Might Also Like
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
this is the best interaction on twitter
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.