Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
S M O L
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion