Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic