ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
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me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Twitter is an abusement park.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?