Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Steam Forums
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.