College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas