Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.