Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
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Probably my best painting.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Mountain Goat : )
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”